How do you help a vulnerable young person?
“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”
— Catherine M. Wallace
As the number of young people presenting mental health difficulties increases, so does the responsibility on parents to create a supportive environment within the home. Part of my work involves discussions with parents about their child’s mental health, and I am generally heartened by how receptive parents are in wanting to be as much of an anchor of support as possible.
A sad reality, however, is that not every young person will be fortunate enough to acquire essential self-regulation skills from their primary caregivers. I often encounter young people from dysfunctional homes, presenting the broken pieces of disrupted early attachment. This increases the responsibility on caregiving professionals to fill the gap, essentially giving young people what they have missed out on at home. Dr Jody Carrington is a child psychologist and author of ‘Kids These Days; A Guide To (Re)Connecting with Those We Teach, Lead, and Love’. She states; “I think it’s time we did a better job of looking after our educators. They hold our babies more often than we do in the run of a school week.” Staff who can interpret the communications that underpin a disengaged young person’s behaviour and can meet their needs accordingly can play a major role in helping to heal the rupture that disrupted early attachment so often leaves. From my discussions with staff members in schools over the years, there is often a modest underestimation of the difference they can make. For young people who cannot call home a safe space, the influence of these staff members can be the difference, allowing them to survive their childhood with their spirit intact. A relationship is at the core of any meaningful support. There are a few fundamentals I have picked up during my time that I believe are essential in building a relationship with a vulnerable young person.
The first thing I have found to be extremely important is to maintain a level of composure as much as possible. Young people who are experiencing behavioural or emotional difficulties often present issues with temperament, operating within a small window of emotional tolerance. As a caregiving adult, whether the young person is irate, highly excitable, or completely numb, holding your composure and operating from a place of calm has a regulating effect on their nervous system. Young people are more likely to trust and engage with you if you embody the kind of temperament they subconsciously crave. In the long-term, your influence helps them take on a similar temperament independently.
Another key in developing a relationship with a vulnerable young person is to maintain consistency where possible. For many vulnerable young people, this is yet another key component they are likely to have missed out on. Neglectful or altogether absent parenting can cause young people to develop a fear of abandonment, which can affect their ability to have healthy relationships in the future. On opposite ends of the ‘Attachment Theory’ scale are ‘anxious’ or ‘avoidant’ attachment types, which means vulnerable young people are likely to take an attachment blueprint into adulthood that is extreme; prone to either becoming toxically dependent on others or avoid getting close to them in the first place. By being a dependable support figure, not only is a child able to benefit from the security in the short-term, but it also helps them take a much healthier attachment style into adulthood. Be consistent in your availability for them; keep the day, time, and room fixed where possible. If there are other things that make them feel safe; a certain chair, a part of the room, or a fidget toy, try to make these physical things available for them too. Consistency breeds feelings of security.
Lastly, I find that young people who have suffered with their mental health have sadly lost some of their childlike innocence and therefore begin to experience the world in a manner that is much more adult-like. Trauma-affected young people tend to hold perspectives well beyond their years, having had to grow up quicker than normal. Young people like this generally thrive on being treated in a manner that befits their maturity. Engaging with them in a more level-headed manner, less authoritative and more friend-like, encouraging them to take ownership, is likely to help them feel better understood.
To sum up; composure, consistency, and maturity are great places to start when trying to develop a relationship with a vulnerable young person, serving as a base from which any kind of meaningful support can be given.
One last thing to be mindful of is that although trauma-affected young people are desperately in need of support, it may initially be met with resistance. Many vulnerable young people are highly vigilant. If they have been let down by their primary care giver/s, their nervous system is on high alert, and the defensive parts of their brain are alive and constantly scanning their environment for danger. Therefore, their initial resistance is a way of testing whether they are safe in allowing themselves to be vulnerable again. So be prepared for this, it does not mean you are doing a bad job. Stick to the fundamentals mentioned above.
There is an ever-increasing demand upon those working with vulnerable young people to provide a much deeper level of care. Caregivers who are educated on the mind, who can interpret behaviour effectively and make appropriate interventions when required are becoming more and more needed. Part of my training sessions are about helping staff acquire these important skills whilst also making them understand just how much life-changing power they have. In most instances staff come to realise they are part of something much bigger than they previously envisaged; there is potential within their roles to not just shape lives, but possibly save lives too.